PMS Bloating: Do I Look Fat?

That bloating that many of us feel right before our periods isn’t just a feeling; we really have become floating vessels, wobbling everywhere we go. It’s those darn hormones causing us to retain fluid. If it wasn’t bad enough that we have cramps, back pain, and crying spells, we have to be fatter than we are, too. It was Eve who took that apple from the tree, so why are the rest of us suffering?

Your friends will lie to you and tell you that you look great, that you look like your normally do, but that is only because when they’re bloated, they want you to lie to them too. Remember – you have no friends during PMS, not one.

Have you seen that Glico commercial with President Lincoln and the woman we assume is his wife? Well anyway, she’s asking how her tush looks in the dress, and he actually tells her the truth. What a jerk! What kind of man tells his wife the truth? My husband knows better. Even if I was big as a house and needed three seats on a Delta flight, he still better be bringing me home a bikini when I ask him to stop by the store and pick me up a swimming suit for our cruise.

Am I going to wear a bikini? Are you insane? Do you think I’d wear a bikini with all my fat rolls? I get new glasses every year; I can see perfectly in the mirror. Nevertheless, my husband better be acting like I am a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model or he can forget about sleeping, because I will yap, yap, yap for days, possibly even weeks, and this man will know no peace.

When I’m bloated and haven’t done my hair, why would I want you to tell me I’m gorgeous? Sure, it sounds sweet, but it’s a wad of crap. The last thing an insecure woman wants to hear is that she looks like Heidi Klum, when the woman knows that she couldn’t compete with Heidi Klum even if Heidi Klum was run over by a military tank, twice.

So men, what is the moral of this story? First, you’re told to give her a bikini that she can’t fit in, and then you’re told to tell her the truth when she asks how she looks. What should you do? Your safest bet – pretend you do not hear her or rush off to do something else. No matter what you do, don’t ever answer a question that does not have a right answer. Worse comes to worst, put on one of her favorite movies or give her chocolate. It’s better that she sinks her teeth into something besides your hide.