PMS anger is one of the most dangerous emotions. Though it may seem uncontrollable at times, we can learn ways to tame our anger and communicate our needs more effectively.
“During that time of the month, I sometimes get so angry that I turn into a violent, uncontrollable bitch.
It’s really hurting my relationships. But I don’t know what to do!
I just don’t seem to be able to control my PMS anger.”
I’ve heard similar complaints from Cycle Harmony members over and over again.
And I’ve had similar experiences myself, so I know these feelings of desperation and helpless.
It begs the question, if there is real pain and a real desire to control PMS anger, then why is it so hard to do? Can we control it? If so, how?
5 Steps to Managing PMS Anger
To make any change, we need to have a strong enough motivation. If we have a strong enough “why,” we will almost always figure out “how.”
You probably agree that anger is the most dangerous emotion, because when we’re angry we may try to harm the target of our anger, whether verbally or physically.
Moreover, our anger tends to ignite and fuel anger from the other person, which sometimes causes irreversible damage to our relationships.
Therefore, it is important to control our anger, to constrain the impulses for hurtful words and actions.
Though not easy for some of us who experience anger more intensely than others – whether due to premenstrual hormonal changes, genetic makeup, or environmental influences – many developmental psychologists believe that most of us can choose not to act on our anger, and control is possible for nearly everyone.
This is good news. You may not believe that you can control your PMS anger right now, but it is possible, and you can, with conscious efforts, and over time.
So how can we control our anger, PMS or not? With this in mind, I consulted Paul Ekman, the world’s foremost expert on facial expressions and the professor emeritus of psychology at the University of California Medical School in San Francisco. Here are the five things I’ve learned…
1. Know when you are angry
When anger is intense, we may not initially know, or even want to know, that we’ve become angry.
But only when we become aware of and attentive to our angry feelings, do we have an opportunity to regulate or suppress our impulses for hurtful words and actions, and take more constructive steps to remove the source of our anger.
The good news is that anger wants you to know it is there. It leaves signs all over your body and mind.
- Does your heart rate rise?
- Do you clench your fists?
- Is your mind tight and filled with negative thoughts?
- Do you lean forward ready to attack?
Think of a time when you were really angry, and try and recall the sensations and thoughts you experienced.
With time and practice, you’ll become more in tuned with your angry feelings, and recognize your anger the moment it arrives.
2. Understand your trigger
The most frequent cause of anger is someone interfering with what we are intent on doing.
Common triggers for anger include:
- Frustration
- Another person’s anger
- A threat of harm
- Being rejected
- An irritable mood during PMS
It is important for us to understand and determine for ourselves which are the hottest, most potent triggers for our anger.
With this knowledge, over time we’ll learn to recognize our triggers, re-evaluate the situations, and diffuse our angry feelings before they are out of control.
3. Reappraise other people’s intention
If we think someone’s interference with our intention is deliberate, not incidental or required, if it appears that the interfering person chose to interfere with us, then our anger may grow stronger.
Anger by its nature needs a target to attack. And this target is often the person who we are in conflict with.
It would be helpful to assume that the basic intention of another is not malevolent, and shift the target of our anger from the “person” to the “things.”
For example, “I am not angry at my boyfriend. I am angry at these five things that he did.”
With this mindset, we’ll be able to communicate more constructively and effectively with the other person, avoiding personal attacks and retaliations.
Learn the CANDOR Technique for Effective Communication.
4. Remove the source of anger
So now we know that we’re angry, why we’re angry, and what we’re angry at, we can take constructive steps to remove the causes of our anger.
For example, if you were angry that your spouse didn’t take the trash out in the morning, you could talk to him and negotiate a solution that you both would be content with.
More on this subject Stand Up for Yourself, PMSing or Not.
5. Manage irritable mood
Everyone has a harder time controlling their anger when they’re in an irritable mood – even more so with PMS.
When we are irritable, we become angry about things that wouldn’t bother us if we weren’t irritable. We also tend to feel angry more intensively than we would normally.
It comes back to many of the PMS management strategies listed on cycleharmony.com.
You may want to indulge in activities you truly enjoy, spend quiet time alone, or pamper yourself. Taking better care of, and paying special attention to, yourself usually helps.
Anger in itself is not all bad. It has some benefits as well, as long as we are in control of it.
With patience and practice, we can learn to gradually contain our PMS anger, live healthier and happier, and create better relationships.
Knowledge does not guarantee control, but it offers that possibility. If you were to remember one thing from this post, I hope you remember this: It is possible to control PMS anger. If you really want to, you can!
Anger, Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, by Thich Nhat Hanh
Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, by Harriet Lerner
Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion, by Gary Chapman
The huge problem with symptoms of PMS and doctors is that if you need help with anger or emotions, then you have to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist. You either get a record of being mentally unstable very unfairly because if the emotions are cause by PMS, this doesn’t mean you are nuts or unstable. We are victims. I once asked a psychologist how do he was going to separate my REAL personality, to my PMS personality (a week before my period). He had no answer, and was quite taken back by the questions as if i was asking something out of this planet. I said, “how do you take that out of the equation, so i don’t get diagnosed like for example bi-polar, or anxiety disorders, or depression disorder. I mean i don’t f. have a mental disorder!!!! I have a arrogant/ hormonal one. And f. PMS should not, or does not mentally and psychologically should define my personality.
NOT FAIR! I’m the coolest calmest person, but on PMS I feel EVERYTHING, and i have ruin jobs, relationships, and I’m sick and tire of this controlling my life and people thinking this is how I’m. Because of one a month situation, but only takes one day of you looking like a crazy person to RUIN YOUR IMAGE with people around you specially at work!!!
I’m in management, and how people are going to trust me if once at month, I’m like nuts!!!?
So I can’t believe no one gives a crap (yes I’m in PMS right now), that we with all the research in medicine, and the invention of VIAGRA for men, we women get left behind and no one comes up with a medication kit for PSM and menopause. Imagine menopause 10 years of your life in hell?! Many marriages end the moment menopause begins. Older and years of acting like nuts, no men can’t stand that– don’t blame them. I can’t even stand myself on PMS how would it be with menopause?
Doctors gives you hormonal treat me (anticonceptives), but hormonal therapy many times don’t work. I tried it and i got into feeling what real depression feels like.. So i stopped it and that nasty depression went away. I though SHOOT I took it to control the anger, I rather have anger than depression.
Then psychologist don’t have a clue how to deal with your dual personality (the real you and the PMS you), so they rather put a label on you and call you NUTS! (depression, anxiety disorder, bi-polar disorder. You are a women going through PMS, and no one in the medical industry care to come up with a medication or at least take it serious.
I’m glad that sites like this exist now, but instead of coping with it, there has to be a section on this web site to advocate for PMS AWARENESS, just as they do it with BREST CANCER, so that the medical industry and mental health industry can finally open their eyes and stop avoiding PMS talk. They need to take this serious and see it as being sick/health problem.
YES! PMS can be as invasive and damaging to your health and your mental health– as well as your social and financial health in that is as destructive as any other illness.
A.
Just by reading your comment I felt instantly happy and secured because I realized that I am not the only one. It’s the hurtful truth that people don’t tend to understand PMS, it’s real and it does cause some real emotions which we can’t control. People need to open up their eyes and realize that that this shit is real. There should be awareness for PMS, it’s true that our personalities change because of this once in a month thing, and women all around the globe face it too,so instead of calling us mental, they should create a medication or raise awareness so that people know. we can’t control ourselves and we need help, doesn’t mean we are nuts or don’t have a heart. People need to understand this whole situation.
I really feel sorry for this cuz it happens every single month to me too. I’ve alwayz made terrible mistakes and decisions due to being angry and outta control during my PMS. And the worst decision ever was to quit my job after having an awful quarrel with my boss. Really need some help. I feel miserable 🙁
Hi Milly: I had the same problem. Do yoga and meditation everyday. U will feel relaxed.. Ur anger period will b reduced to 1day, (I.e the 1st day of periods) wen u get those cramps
Mrs Lost,
It sounds like your anger might be more than PMS if you are at the point of hurting yourself. I am glad to hear you have a supportive husband, but this sounds very serious. Everyone has mood swings, but if you are suffering from such debilitating emotions, you should definitely see a clinician. If you feel you are a danger to yourself and/or others, don’t wait for the depression or anger to hit again. Visit your psychiatrist or doctor, in case you are having a bad reaction to any medication they might be treating you with. PMS might amplify your mood swings but it shouldn’t make you want to hurt yourself. Take care of yourself, that’s your highest priority right now.
I agree ikam
At this moment, I am in my mood swing. It comes every time one week before my period. I’m usually a happy and bubbly person, but the week before I am an angry crazy b-word. Even reading this article, I am clenching my fist and breathing hard and I THINK ITS STUPID!!! There’s no clear direction on what to do. Think it and it shall be?? What kinda…
How can someone who is always so chirpy and looks forward to every day be so bitter and angry EVERY TIME before her period??? I’ll ask a dr. and not read people’s “The Secret” method.
Hi Milly, I’ve had similar experiences, being taken by irritability, frustration and anger during premenstrual time, even though I’m generally a happy and even-tempered person. On my journey to overcoming this painful PMS emotion, I’ve learned that it’s helpful to acknowledge it first of all. It’s also important to understand the root causes of it. For me, it was due to the repressed emotions growing up. I also find it helpful to learn new ways of communicating and asking for what I want instead of repressing my emotions. Speaking from my personal experience, I can say that it’s entirely possible to overcome PMS anger. You may still experince the emotion of anger but it no longer overpowers you. It’s not easy of course and it takes work. I’m sorry that you don’t find this article helpful. I wish you all the best on your journey!
Jing. Totally great approach. I try to see PMS as I’m sick and I’m in a dream world while on PMS, nothing is real, so if something pisses me off, i think it is like a movie that is playing and it will pass. Like having a cold and wait to feel better.
Making a conscience effort to know that Anger PMS is going to pass soon, that can help a lot.
It is not easy because the emotions feel so real, but got to keep trying.
i am acctually in my mood swing too now ,but mine starts about two or three days before i come on and lasts the whole week ,im being treat for depression ,and sleeplessness ,my poor husband never knows whats comming next ,how we,ve stayed together all these years i do not know because ,my mood swings and anger are horrific i say the most awfull things to him about him he does,nt deserve it ,then the guilt hits ,i tried to kill myself last month ,and im scared i get that lost feeling of no real help back ,i hung up on my psyciatrist ,and took betablockers to stop my heart and ended up in hospital for a couple of days ,this is dangerous ,where is the HELP my jaw is clenched and i feel like i could bite my bottom lip clean off,my husband jokes bless him and says are u feeling all stabby again ,what if one day i cant controll it ,??? other days im slightly meloncolly but never feel violent or agressive im realy scared incase i hurt myself again or my dear sweet husband who i love and would never hurt otherwise ,im also suffering from hair loss i wonder if its conected some how ,i havn,t found anything on here very helpfull but posted anyway ….your not alone there are others with this ..defect or whatever this pmt/pms is xxx
Wait a moment. I have horrible PMS, but if you have stress plus PMS then you have crazy angry PMS, but trying to kill yourself that means depression plus PMS. PSM does’t cause suicidal thoughs. You should totally go see a mental health professional, and treat your depression. I can’t believe no one reply to you here.
this is all false .the anger is just hormones.if you eat a lot of green and drink green juices and eliminate sugar,carbohydrates and meat, you feel really calm.
Hi Katerina, you are right, diet can have a huge impact on our emotions. However, there are so many factors affecting the emotions we experience: circumstances, stress, lack of sleep. The best thing to do is work toward a balanced lifestyle: enough rest, nutrients and exercise. Meditation is also a good way to learn to sit with our emotions without becoming attached to them.