At a Crossroad

These last few weeks there have been indications of many changes in my life, and in some ways I feel as if I am at a crossroad. Crossroads are good as they can take you in new directions. They can lead you on adventures and to unexpected places, but they also involve decisions. And they can be a bit scary because they might take you into the unknown and unpredicted.

I’ve got some important decisions coming up, but before I get down to making up my mind I need to look at who I am. It’s time for taking stock.

I’m a kaleidoscope, a profusion of aspects, interests, thoughts, impulses, dreams, hopes and experiences.

I’m a human being, and I can’t be accurately labelled.

I will always be “all of those things, and more”.

This is my starting point.

I’ve spent years getting to know myself, and letting all my aspects live and develop. All these different me’s are of equal worth and are now fully integrated into the dynamic, complex and at times, overwhelmed, being that is me.

All my experiences have led me to this point.

I don’t know what it feels like for men to go through this, but I know that for women it’s a really intense and challenging process.

In order to be true to myself, I need to let the cold, cruel side of me breathe as much as the gentle, forgiving side. My anger must run as freely as my laughter. My fears need as much room as my love, and the cowardice in me is as important as the heroic.

Just as my stages of womanhood leave me strong and vulnerable at the same time, so does most of my other aspects, talents or potentials.

I am not a struggle of opposites, I am what constitutes the human existence.

Some might call it chaotic, I call it rich. Some might think it turbulent, to me it’s being alive.

The lifelong process of becoming a better person involves learning to let all these parts of me live, to not supress them, and at the same time to learn to respond and behave appropriately.

Much of this process depends on how well I am able to hold several seemingly contradictory thoughts, feelings, impulses or impressions in my mind at the same time. On the one hand this is a cognitive ability that you can either do or not, yet on the other it’s a skill that can be practiced like playing the trumpet, where years of, dedicated practice is required to give a high level of skill.

Right now, I’m becoming aware that as a woman, I am wanting a certain kind of life, a certain quality of life with certain envisaged rewards.

I’m wanting to be clever and beautiful, yet ordinary and kind, to work hard and have time with friends and with my loved ones, to enjoy the strength of my adult years at the same time as I experience and grow from weakness, and adversity.

In other words, I’m wanting more of what I’ve got now. I want it to go on. I don’t know that it will – but my stocktake tells me that I’m happy, stimulated and in growth. Now I can go forward and think about those decisions I’ve got to make.

Finding the community of Cycle Harmony has made a huge difference to me. I am delighted to be writing to you from the Red Tent and hope to share thoughts and experiences you recognise, or find useful to ponder upon. I look forward to working with you all in exploring what it is to be women, and hope to hear from you. ~ Vild