This week I’ve wanted to be alone. I’ve wanted to forget about the whole world, to crawl into a dark little hole and be left all alone. I haven’t wanted to socialise, read or spend time with my partner, and because I’ve still maintained a minimum of those activities I’ve felt really pushed. As if it’s just before I can’t handle any more.
It’s clearing now, but I still feel a kinship with frightened little rabbits scampering off into the woods. It’s not that I’ve been scared, or depressed or even sad. I’ve just had low energy and a deep desire to be – alone. It was confusing at first, feeling so much more tired than usual, so disinterested in what was going on around me.
Then I realised that it was time for my monthly bleed, it is a full moon in a few days and a time of rebirth for me. It is always exhausting at the time, before I find myself rejuvenated, fresh and full of curiosity. As I write this, I’m not fully through my emergence, but I’m heading there. And I thought that in order to support this process I’m going to take tomorrow off, and fully enter into the experience. I know it to be healing, restorative and nurturing to tend to my needs in this way.
Perhaps this is another way of being present at the crossroads that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. I know that there is a deep, comfortable, sleepy stillness in me that wants to lie down in the moonlight and rest. I know this state to be the most beautiful, creative state of being – where I let go and just follow by being into change. So as I am quietly contemplating the possibilities that might be around the corner, I am heading for an early night with valerian tea. My partner is amazing, he understands and supports in so many ways. Seeing what happens to me as my journey instead of as changing moods, he never makes fun of my world even if it has been strange and somewhat chaotic for a few days.
As I settle down with my cup of tea I remember that out of chaos, order is born. This is one of the oldest myths we have, it is present in several religions and cultures. In a sense, it is a recurring tale of seasons, generations and the passing of time. For me, today, it represents my own womanly cycle – so different this time from before, and yet so familiar. I am Eve today, and every daughter and sister since her. I feel the ancient roots of womanhood in my blood, as I give myself over to sleep and in turn, rebirth. Magical are the mysteries of the full moon.
Finding the community of Cycle Harmony has made a huge difference to me. I am delighted to be writing to you from the Red Tent and hope to share thoughts and experiences you recognise, or find useful to ponder upon. I look forward to working with you all in exploring what it is to be women, and hope to hear from you. ~ Vild